"It is what it is."

Therapist: "It sounds like that was very painful for you."

Client: "It is what it is."

Therapist: "..."

What do you think of when you hear that phrase?

Acceptance?

A full stop?

Something fixed and unchangeable?

Perhaps, 'don't even go there because there's nothing I can do about it."

Nearly every client I've ever seen has said this or something similar, in fact, I’m sure we’ve all said it at some time in our lives. As a therapist, this little phrase leaves me with curiosity and more questions than the statement is intended to elicit.

What does it mean?

Sometimes it means, ‘I don't deserve better’.

Sometimes it means, ‘I feel powerless’.

Sometimes it means, ‘I'm scared of what’s underneath this’.

Or it might mean, ‘I don't know how to change’.

Or, ‘I don't feel strong enough to face this’.

Maybe, ‘There’s nothing I can do about it’.

How can therapy help?

It's not my job or my place to make you talk about anything you aren't ready to face, but if it goes unnamed, if I let those words go without checking in what they mean to you, then we are likely to miss many useful thoughts and feelings that are beneath. Unearthing that information is a significant part of how therapy can help you.

Avoidance.

There's a danger in therapy that avoidance can cause progress to stagnate. So why do we avoid the hard subjects even though we’ve made the effort and found the courage and spent the money to be in therapy? Whether it's a conscious choice or not, for human being it can feel easier and safer to stick with the familiar and continue to repeat patterns that we know and don’t require the effort of change, even when those patterns are keeping us stuck or unhappy. The resignation in a phrase like, ‘it is what it is’ indicates that a situation is unchangeable, and it may be, particularly with examples like bereavement or trauma. However, just because the situation is unchangeable, it doesn’t mean your experience of it can’t alter, grow and expand. When someone dies, there is nothing we can do to change it. But in time, with support, with growth and time, the loss changes shape, the feelings become easier to bear, and the impact on your daily life less significant. So we may end up feeling like it’s pointless talking about what’s happened because the fact is immovable. But there is so much more to it than the facts. Your emotional, psychological and physical response to a situation are all examinable, changeable, and worth exploring.

What else holds us back?

Fear. 

Fear of feeling worse. Fear of feeling overwhelmed or out of control. Fear of panic attacks. Fear that if you open the box, you’ll never get the lid back on. Fear that you’ll try to feel better and it won’t work, and then what…it is scary to look at difficult and painful areas of our life. It is. And I believe it is worth doing anyway.

In therapy, we might not look directly at the pain point straight away, we might come back to that phrase, ‘it is what it is’, at a later point, we may gently skim over it until the time feels right. But my hope for you in therapy is that the compassion, empathy and hopefulness inherent within the relationship we build, becomes safe and supportive enough for you to address what you’ve been avoiding. Because on the other side of it you may find improvements in your ability to cope, increased self-awareness, and in increase in confidence that you have the skills to navigate life more peacefully.